That was the moment I lost myself.
"Story of my life..." I said in response to his failed apology. "This has happened to me over and over. People make assumptions because they don't have the time or patience to understand me, based on that assumption judge and condemn me and then pressure and bully me into situations that cause me harm."
And yet actually, that full sentence was not uttered. I could barely get three words out and the sobs already started escaping. Horrified I ended the call. Dignity must be defended at all costs. Before anything else.
I'm not sure if I just started the story with the beginning, the middle or the end, no idea who my audience is. Id like to say that what I do know for sure is that I did not deserve the abuse and neglect I had been subjected to but even on that...I have so many doubts, so how about you be the judge of it - whomever you are.
Let me paint a few scenarios of verbal harassment, patronizing interactions and controlling behavior of this student therapist I had been assigned. Having waited a few months for a case worker I agreed to be assigned a student. How complicated could this job be, and besides, I assumed shed be supervised, so what could go wrong? In the past I had been treated in a student clinic for Osteopathic massage and had a positive experience. When there was an issue of inexperience, they responded with respect and immediate corrective action. My case was complicated and the students felt comfortable reaching out to their superiors; having direct input from senior practitioner's was a huge benefit to my care. Sadly, in this case, there was inadequate supervision, I was blamed and bullied into silence and submission when the student lacked competence and the boundary lines were blurred so far, I still can't see straight.
Ok, so first, she gets all angry when I ask basic questions of her qualifications. first passive aggressive, and later, shouting, demeaning tone and hurtful words.
"This is not a service offered for you," she declared. "You have to..."
My head was swimming, shocked I couldn't even hear anymore the words she was saying.
Every sentence I uttered and every move I made was subject to intense scrutiny and analysis.
"I purposefully did not inform you of the change in plans as I wanted to see your reaction, upon which I can assess you and solidify my 'study' of who you are".
She certainly pulled no punches.
Time and again I was cut off midsentence while she went off on a soliloquy of angry words berating me for this infraction or that failure - usually her own projected on me. Delay and difficulty in scheduled meetings because she misheard the day. Kept my mouth shut. When I deigned to say that I am making an effort to understand her perspective.
"I must stop you right there," - mind you this was loud enough the entire food court heard every word. "It is my role to understand you - you have no right to try to understand me. That is crossing a line."
When I couldn't reach her, I was told don't worry, and - how come you didn't read our minds to know that she is only available Mondays and Wednesdays - not just for meetings but to schedule and reschedule meetings, and how come you are being so difficult to make it to the meeting? Yes, well that's exactly what I worried about, that I would be blamed but I am screwed either way. Dammed if you do, damned if you don't. Even when she thanked me it was with a patronizing air of condescension; when I said I had been trying to give her a heads up regarding a change in schedule out of respect for her time, she responded: "Kol Hakavod!" - Hebrew for "I am so proud of you." Huh! I would have thought thank you was an easier phrase to say when someone goes out of their way to accommodate you, no, she even found a favor I did to her as opportunity to demonstrate superiority. Impressive - that's real skill.
When I was assigned a new case manager I wanted to just let it all behind me and celebrate the win. and then the catalyst. The supervisor who all this time kept urging me to put in an effort to make it work, feel comfortable to be open and honest of what was bothering me...after all that, weeks of ever dizzying circles of trying to please these people, he then has the audacity to turn the tables and blame me. Not outright - no he was smoothed and wrapped it in a veiled threat portrayed and presented as advice, "for my best interest moving forward." Really.
I cried for an hour, controlled myself while crying inside for several more as I went to work - Murphy's law this had to happen shortly before I headed out. Barely held it together on the train ride home and then I just cried and cried and cried. All night, all morning, all afternoon. Finally as evening began to fall I realized that I was the villain in this story. I am an idiot. No-one else is to blame that I continued seeing a caseworker who was rude, condescending and abusive from the first meeting and on. Every moment is dragged on was no-ones fault but my own - and why did I do it, to protect my reputation, but now they are threatening me nonetheless and every action I take to defend myself gives them more ammunition to trash me and drag me through the mud. Naïve worthless piece of garbage - if I cant protect even myself who am I of any benefit to.
It appears we have out answer: I am deserving of every hurt and abuse. Deep down I knew it all along and allowed it. What other choice did I have? What choice do I have now?
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