Parenting is a Journey that is Homeward Bound
Please note that none of the photos are of my son to protect his privacy - rather they are images I found or created that evoke the sentiments and insights expressed in this essay.
Author's Note: My goal with this article is to bring to light the זכות (Zechut - the sacred merit and privilege) of being a parent.
I was inspired to write this article during my son's recent trip to Israel and in part it was written in August, during his visit. This version includes an additional story that I came across related to this topic, as well as personal and theological reflections that I wanted to share.
Reaching out for support regarding parenting struggles stands in stark contrast to the attitude and behavior that I criticize in this article: viewing children as a hardship, an inherent burden and an obstacle to happiness and self-fulfillment. However, I want to make it clear that it is important for parents to feel that they can share their difficulties and frustrations without fear of judgement.
Hayeled Lo Yichalti” – The Child I Longed For: Rabbi Shlomo Farhi shared an incredibly profound concept regarding Chinuch (the sacred task of education and character-building) and prayer.
"El hanar hazeh, hitpalalti." Chana says, "I prayed for this child. I don't want another one. You want to give me a better one? I don't want a better one. This is mine. This is the one I prayed for."
The most important thing for your child's development and success is the tears you shed and the heart you raise up to G-d as you pray day and night for their success.
What makes you a parent? What defines something as love?
When you pray and pray and pray and pray, ultimately, maybe G-d will answer and give you that son that you hoped for, that daughter that you hoped for. But maybe an even more important thing to pray for is not that your daughter or son should become what you hoped for but that you should have a heart to feel that wherever they are, they are what you hoped for.
And you prayed for this kid and that you love them exactly where they are. And because you love them, you want more for them. You don't love them less because they're not what you wanted or they're not what you thought or they're not what you dreamed. When a person prays like that, then G-d is sure to answer the prayers.
And maybe then people will look at you and your kids and say, "Wow, this person truly has mastered the art of education!"
When actually what you've mastered is the art of prayer to G-d.
I see his teaching as a "North Star": parenting is not about getting the child you 'wanted', but having the heart to love the child you 'have'.
Regaim Lifnei Shayna: Being a pediatric Speech Therapist, I have gotten to meet families from many backgrounds, who live vastly different parenting experiences. This taught me that there is no uniform recipe or description as to what it means to be a good Mom or Dad.
I recently watched a short film titled רגעים לפני שינה (Bedtime) starring Michal Yadgar, a courageous woman who was diagnosed with ALS, a degenerative muscular disease. She requires AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) to communicate with her son, Naveh. Due to the extent of her paralysis she uses an eye-gaze system. In the short film, she shares with the audience her tremendous love for her son and how she is able to build a relationship with him despite her handicap. Using AAC, they talk with each other and explore the world together - creating positive memories that he will carry with him long after she is gone. These opportunities for connection are especially important to her knowing that their time together will soon come to an end as ALS is invariably fatal. Her story highlights the joy of being a parent even in the darkest of circumstances.
For many parents the road traveled along their parenting journey is paved with failure and regret. My own journey as a mother has been far from perfect; it has been marked by the very complexities I now seek to understand.
Grateful to have Chosen Life: The start of my parenting journey was turbulent. All I dreamed about as a teenager was one day becoming a Mom, but this chapter in my life was bittersweet. I found out I was pregnant just as I realized that the relationship with my son's dad was not appropriate for me. The confusion of how to proceed and the shame of divorce was huge, for me it was a situation that was beyond what I could comprehend or bear and I began to contemplate suicide. Life as a divorced woman was just not an option I had ever been told is allowable or allowed. However, I knew that ending my life would end the innocent life inside me who came there through no fault or no choice of his or hers - and so instead of opting out I focused on building a life for the two of us. Of course I advocate for young people to plan to bring children into the world into a loving relationship of a happy marriage. In this case the ideal and the plan did not pan out, and the question was how to act and react given the unforeseen and unplanned circumstance. I had the responsibility of someone innocent who needed me and so I chose to build a new kind of life. I worked on my degree and on getting a job and an apartment. This worked out for a while - albeit with lots of bumps along the road - until he was nearly five year old. At that time, mental health struggles caught up to me and I was no longer able to care for him.
Luckily, family stepped in. Their support included his care and looking out for his wellbeing and support of our relationship. Having a relationship added to both the pain and the joy of the situation, yet we are both lucky that many times over the years I have had the opportunity to step up and connect, especially at pivotal moments such as during the first two waves of Covid when he was alone without friends and I was able to entertain him and talk to him for hours, the letters we sent back and forth (which he carefully saved in a special drawer under his bed) and being able to attend his bar mitzva surrounded by family and friends.
Thanks to my family, my son was kept him off the streets and out of foster care. Most moms with mental illness are not so lucky. Yet, it is not all a rosy picture; as a consequence of my choices and mental health struggles, he has not always had it easy. Despite all this—never ever would I say he has been a curse or a burden. He is a living breathing person with ideas, a unique personality, ambition, a sense of humor and all the possibilities of a yet undefined future.
Grieving the Lost Years: For me, being a Mom is complicated and painful. When my son was five years old I abandoned him. Although we have since reconnected, I grapple with tremendous guilt. It was due to symptoms of PTSD that I made the choice to leave him. This illness was caused, in part, by the trauma of being coerced into a marriage that lasted less than half a year. However, had I not been bullied into that situation or brainwashed into sticking with it for as long as I did, he would not have come into existence in the first place. A few weeks ago I bought my son a book to celebrate his 17th birthday - I am so proud of his accomplishments and grateful for his good health. However, when I try to lean into the happiness of this milestone, my heart feels restricted. Now that he has reached the cusp of adulthood, I find myself grieving a childhood that was lost. Children and their parents are meant to travel the journey of life together and the fact that my son and I didn't is a tragedy that can never be undone.
I wrote this essay to remind myself that being a Mom is not about holding on to a specific standard or vision of what parenting is meant to be. For me, being a parent is about allowing myself to feel love for my child, express my deep and abiding affection for him and to strengthen this unique and critical bond. That is what he and I deserve. Alongside the smoke and fog of what being a parent has meant to me - I can make space for joy.
The Cultural Counter-Narrative: Sadly, our popular culture has recently been moving in the wrong direction, away from the Godly and prayer-based understanding articulated by Rabbi Farhi. While I grapple with the weight of lost years and the holiness of the bond I am trying to rebuild, I see a world that treats the greatest gifts—life, motherhood, and progeny—as inconveniences or props for self-promotion. Politicians, influencers and other so-called leaders, reject the Biblical worldview—framing the gift of children as a roadblock to self-actualization. I recently saw this growing trend skewered in a parody podcast by Megyn Kelly (the host of an independent news channel).
Finding Truth in Parody: Even if, like me, you've only recently started following Megyn Kelly, you will have discovered her visceral disdain for Meghan Markle. Meghan Kelly is a media figure who covers politics and news and Meghan Markle is the C-list actress who couldn't hack it as a princess in England and now styles herself as a royal Duchess living in exile in Montecito, California.
I recognize that celebrities have struggles and I am not here to minimize anyone's pain. Wealth and fame are not guaranteed to shield someone from the troubles of life. Nick Jonas of the Jonas brothers lives with type 1 diabetes, Barbara Bush lost a young daughter to leukemia, Catherine Middleton experienced and Thank god recovered from cancer. She also struggled with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (debilitating pregnancy nausea to the point of hospitalization) during each of her three pregnancies. Mr. Jonas, Mrs. Bush and Princess Catherine remind us that celebrities are not immune from the curveballs life can throw.
Although I am not a consistent viewer of any particular show, this much I do know from the little I have followed MK media (Megyn Kelly's network): Megyn does not just dislike Meghan, she despises her. The numerous betrayals of friends and family, her selfishness and narcissism, the entitlement, lack of gratitude, and the empty gloss, are just a few reasons for this contempt. Meghan, living in her Montecito mansion, complaining about the terrible ordeal she experienced of becoming one of the most famous and pampered princesses of our time, is the epitome of ignorant, insufferable and vacuous celebrity culture. The situation reached a breaking point, resulting in a sharp and humorous deconstruction of the 'victimhood' narrative.
This was in the form of a parody podcast produced by MK media of the "with love" podcast that Meghan attempted to force down our throats. The pampered princess is no match for the humor and wit of the true media genius that is Megyn Kelly who revealed the Duchess's banality and put to shame the traditional comedy shows such as SNL and Comedy Central, which ignored the opportunity to highlight the absurdity of this aspect of celebrity culture.. Megyn Kelly partnered with Maureen, a podcast host on her media network, and the two recreated the terrible Markle show to such perfection that I was left in stiches from laughter. They imitated how Meghan and her guests would pretend to be best friends to the toxic nature of their relationships, including the bullying and the fear: "It's funny you call me Markle, you know my name is Sussex now." They recreated the scenes of her coopting other peoples recipes and pretending like discovering microwave popcorn makes her the new Einstein - Megyn and Maureen captured it to perfection! I guess you got to see it to believe it, and if you are not a news junkie like me, take my word for it - Kelly struck gold. The Glitzy Moonwalk: Following the success of her first parody series, Megyn scored again with an episode imitating the pretend space flight of a group of rich entitled female celebrities. The wife of Jeff Bezos, owner and founder of Amazon asked Katy Perry, a singer, Gail King, a news personality and a few other famous women to pretend to be her best friends for the day in exchange for an invitation to her exclusive adventure pretending to travel to space. In all honesty, it was a remarkable feat of engineering and had it been done in the style of Mark Rober (a famous science YouTuber) or some other science show or YouTube channel to provide the audience with the opportunity to learn about space and marvel together about the wonders of the universe, we would be having a very different conversation. Instead, these celebrities projected an air of unearned wisdom, acting as though a brief joyride had granted them a superior perspective on humanity that the rest of us 'peons' lacked.
They alone went where no man has gone before.
Except "man" has been there before, men and women. There have already been astronauts, both male and female, who have traveled to space and back, and the women in this little joyride did not even reach space. They went slightly above the atmosphere where most of us have been many times during regular air travel. Instead of elevating the cause of feminism and space travel they walked all over the accomplishments of the woman who walked before them. By pretending they are the female inspiration for space travel they were in effect erasing the accomplishments of real female astronauts who have already done this but without all the navel gazing and fanfare. MK media copied this to perfection: the simpering praise of the newscasters, the narcistic ego of the "astronauts" and the vanity and frivolity with which they approached the whole endeavor. It was hilarious and the hosts and producers at MK media were on a roll.
The "Parenting as a Burden" Narrative: While the previous parodies were lighthearted, the episode targeting Michelle Obama felt different. Here, the humor struggled to mask a deeper, more troubling sentiment. In this podcast, the former First Lady expressed a philosophy on motherhood that I found truly heartbreaking.
Michelle basically sits with her brother and complains how awful her life has been, what an unfair hand she has been dealt and the difficult ordeals she has been through in life.
As mentioned earlier in this essay, celebrities experience struggle and suffering same as us simple folk. Princess Beatrice shared with the world her dyslexia diagnosis, that made her feel relatable and helped inspire others with reading and language based learning disabilities. Her story is an example of how when sharing their pain and describing for others how they overcame life's challenges, celebrities can give hope and inspiration to others.
Mrs. Obama's podcast is nothing like that. She uses her platform to demand praise for fake suffering and to elevate herself to sainthood through a narrative of grievance. You might ask why this bothers me and how it is relevant to you. Point taken, but see I couldn't care less if she was trying to promote DEI or cornrows - both of those positions deserve their day in court.
What is more, if some has-been, wannabee bored empty nester wants to kvetch to her brother - right on girl. Complaining is a favorite Jewish pastime - so beloved in fact that there is a whole genre of comedy and jokes just on that. I can't begrudge her mistaken perception that lashing out on the unfairness of living a privileged life will make her respected, beloved and admired. If she wants to tell the world what a horrible man the former president of the United States is and how terrible it is to have him as a husband - go for it.
Free speech is the freedom to speak, and with it, happily, is also the freedom not to listen; it seems that no-one did as her ratings were terrible. I wonder how many people listened to her show outside of Meghan Kelly's producer. And so...a new parody podcast was born. I followed Megyn Kelly’s imitation closely, or "Meghan O" as she referred to herself when she parodied Michelle Obama and imitated the way that she cried about the trials and tribulations of living in the white house and the financial calamity that almost befell her due to the struggle of being first lady of America.
Megyn's parody successfully captured all the kookiness of Michelle Obama pretending that she isn't one of the most privileged women on earth, married to a man who had been the most powerful man on earth all while begging the world to see her as a victim and endow her with sainthood in payment for her suffering. But then Megyn repeated something that was not merely ludicrous but unforgivable.
"They mess you up," Mrs. Obama said - about her children. "They are a hassle...and they are demanding."
Megyn's parody successfully captured all the kookiness of Michelle Obama pretending that she isn't one of the most privileged women on earth, married to a man who had been the most powerful man on earth all while begging the world to see her as a victim and endow her with sainthood in payment for her suffering. But then Megyn repeated something that was not merely ludicrous but unforgivable.
"They mess you up," Mrs. Obama said - about her children. "They are a hassle...and they are demanding."
Motherhood to her is not a blessing, no, in fact it is a burden and a curse. Michelle’s rhetoric suggested that motherhood was an inherent drain on one's identity—a 'hassle' that interferes with self-fulfillment rather than a relationship that enriches it.
As a woman and as a Mom, this attitude, speech and behavior is offensive and despicable. While Mrs. Obama may have intended to be 'relatable' by venting about the demands of parenting, her rhetoric suggested that motherhood was an inherent obstacle to her happiness—a burden rather than a זכות (Zechut - a sacred merit and privilege). Hearing a mother with every resource in the world call children a 'hassle' strikes a chord of deep grief in me. To me, the 'hassle' of a demanding child is the very evidence of a life I had to fight to get back.
While celebrities like Mrs. Obama lament the 'hassle' of children, I have seen parents who have struggled with various infertility challenges and others in the trenches of the NICU who would give anything for just one 'demanding' moment with their child. Erin Bates, a Christian reality star, is an example of such a parent. She miscarried several babies until she discovered the cause a medical solution to the problem. Since then has given birth to quite a few healthy children. She and her husband Chad feel eternally blessed and are grateful for each and every child.
A close friend of mine shared that she is able to become pregnant but cannot maintain a pregnancy. She and her husband are the most positive, patient, caring, giving and dependable people I know. If anyone deserves to be parents - it is them. Their children and the world would be better for it and one can only imagine the longing they feel to experience this gift. If anyone has the capacity and the heart to be the most amazing parents it is she and her husband.
In August, when I wrote the first draft of this essay, I did not know that she had just delivered twin boys. Born prematurely, they required intensive medical care when they were born. I saw them recently at a Shabbat meal - they are tiny and precious. My friend and her husband are so happy and grateful.
Another fertility challenge prospective parents face is the inability to become pregnant via natural means. I am close with a young Mom who had to go through IVF, which is a grueling process, in order to get pregnant with some of her babies. Though I don't know much about this situation, I do know many women walk through fire and hell to bring a baby to earth.
Rabbi Yosef Shapiro, an orthodox Jewish Rabbi, recently wrote a book with his wife, detailing their personal journey with IVF. Their book highlights the sacrifices a couple would be willing to make for the joy and the privilege of being a parent. Rabbi Breitowitz, a prominent orthodox Rabbi in Jerusalem, is more hesitant and less of a cheerleader when advising couples whether to embark on the IVF process. This is because he is acutely aware of the dangers and the pitfalls involved. Instead, he shares his personal parenting journey through adoption. The joy and emotion conveyed in his voice when he describes the pride and gratitude he feels regarding his son is a true testament to the love a parent has for a child no matter how that relationship came to be.
These stories demonstrate a positive vision of parenthood and the basic values that should at least be the aspiration, if not the commonly held standard, in a decent society. If we don't cherish our progeny and celebrate the next generation then who are we as a people?
Fragile and Uncertain: I used to volunteer with an organization Ezer Mitzion. At one point my responsibility was to hand out food to families of pediatric cancer patients. This too, was a formative experience for me. I was partnered up with a holocaust survivor who has been doing this 'job' for many years. Witnessing her tears and heartfelt prayers for each child as we left a unit was humbling. The grim reality is that the blessings of parenthood are not guaranteed to last, as in life, nothing is certain. After all the IVF trials and other pre-natal challenges - even once a child is born - the struggle and the trials are not over.
I have close relatives who waited five months for their baby to be discharged from the NICU and be welcomed home. During my time volunteering and helping out my cousins I too was worried and hoped very much that he would have a positive outcome. I would take shifts visiting him and caring for him to give his parents a break and give him more opportunities for human interaction and love.
In the same NICU where her little boy was receiving care, an Arab mom was caring for triplets, all three in critical condition as well. Though I was there many many times visiting Mr. Cuddles, as I called him, I never met this other family who went home around the time "we" did. Sadly, they only took home their little girl Alma. Her two brothers did not make it.
In the first few months of his life, even before I got to know him, the doctors had already performed several surgeries and it came to a point where they had done all they could. The head of the department pulled my cousin into a room and gently shared the news.
"Pray, pray to your god."
At this point there was nothing else they could offer. My cousin described walking out of that meeting and suddenly feeling like the hallway was very very long.
By the time I got involved and started volunteering the baby was much more stable but still in critical care. It seemed he would make it but I had to watch him endure the torture of the surgeon fiddling with his stoma to keep the hole patent, his cries and wailing every painful diaper change and when due to the distrust he developed of basic human contact he had to learn not to cry and scream when being given a bath. Another side note: I was the one who taught him to love the bath. I sang to him when I bathed him and this was soothing and curative.
But beyond the pain and suffering, there was still the fear and the concern as there were so many things that could go wrong - and did. I recall one day leaving the hospital praying to god not to allow his Mom to experience the grief of losing a child, I loved her too much. To watch over that baby not just for the sake of his own survival but for the love and care of his dear parents who did not deserve to lose him - they deserved to have him and cherish him and one day take him home. Thank god, today he is thriving and doing well.
I met many frightened parents and saw gravely ill babies during this experience, an experience with profound lessons that I will carry with me.
Bringing Hope and Healing to a Wounded World: A healthy child is not a given, certainly not something to take for granted. No-one has taught me this lesson more than my friend Batsheva Milstien* (name changed to protect privacy) and her husband Dovid. Their third child was born with Aicardi syndrome, a rare genetic neurological disorder affecting primarily females. This was discovered when she was close to 9 months pregnant and a doctor urged them to chalk it up to a mistake - to have an abortion and try for better luck next time.
Dovid and Batsheva rejected his heartless, inhumane and barbaric suggestion; this girl gives them so much joy every day. Not by accident - it is a deliberate act of will. They choose to see her as a blessing while being honest about the stress, the worries, the fears and the challenges of raising a child who is neurodivergent. Running a household and all the rest of life's responsibilities while juggling her needs and challenges is not simple and they don't pretend that it is. But her laughter at the beach and the simple miracle of what she can accomplish on a given day - they believe - is a cause for celebration.
The Milstein's stand as an example to others to choose life over death; love over fear. Dovid shares their story - of being pressured to abort their daughter and choosing life instead - with family and friends at a party they host every year on the first day of Chol Hamoed Succot. Through their lived example they encourage those around them to also see children as a blessing and not get distracted by curve balls life throws their way and not to get persuaded by the falsehoods espoused by the depraved and decadent in society. In addition to being pillars of their community, they are God fearing people with an unwavering faith. Theirs is the example and the vision I choose to elevate.
Better off Aborted: Dovid and Batsheva's story reminds me of an op-ed in Newsweek in which Lila Rose (President and Founder of Live Action) comments on a tragic case in which a woman from Texas traveled out-of-state to abort a child who had been diagnosed in utero with Trisomy 18.
"This tragic case reveals a disturbing undercurrent in our culture—a deep-seated, quiet prejudice against children with disabilities. Many harbor a sinister belief that it is somehow more humane to destroy these precious lives (often in brutal fashion) and deny them the chance to breathe, grow, and contribute to the world than to let them live and potentially experience suffering.
The insidious notion that they are "better off aborted" reflects a shocking disregard for the inherent value of every human being, irrespective of their physical or cognitive differences. It also reveals an ignorance of the horrific process of abortion itself, which not only kills a human being, but has the potential to harm the mother as well.
In a world where technological advancements allow us to glimpse into the womb with unprecedented clarity, we must face the truth that all human life is valuable, regardless of medical challenges or diagnoses."
Miriam Haneviah - The first "Pro-Life" activist: In Parshat Shemos, Amram makes the controversial decision to divorce his wife. He was the גדול הדור (Gadol Hador - the preeminent spiritual leader and moral authority), therefore, the rest of the Jewish men of his generation followed his example and divorced their wives as well. His rationale was understandable. All the Jewish boys were being slaughtered (by being shoved between bricks in the walls of the pyramids, being drowned to death or some other barbaric method of male infanticide). Why bring a child into the world only to face certain death? To create life with foreknowledge of its destruction seemed irresponsible as a parent and disrespectful to the dignity of human life.
His brave daughter criticized this choice.
"Pharoah's wicked decrees only affect baby boys," she chastised him. "Your decree condemns both girls and boys. Who are you to decide when life is worth the risk? You are not the arbiter to decide who does and does not have a chance. Leave concerns of survival to G-d."
Harsh rebuke.
G-d rewarded her courage and tenacity. Dovid, Shlomo and all the kings from "The House of David" trace their lineage to "Puah." Moshiach Ben Dovid will be from amongst her descendants.
Miriam was one of the earliest recorded "Pro-Life" activists; she fought for the born and the preborn - putting her neck on the line to create a culture open to life. We learn from her story that being a parent requires the willingness to embrace uncertainty and the ability to accept what is - whether or not it is the outcome you envisioned.
Miriam is a trailblazer to me—and every mother who chooses to stay and fight. Via struggles paralleled through the ages, I feel tied directly to the woman who ensured the survival of the Jewish people.
The health and wellbeing of the people we love is never a given. The scariest moment of my life was when I thought I had lost my infant son in a car crash. This happened during those early, precious years before our lives were pulled apart. I was crossing the Marine Parkway Bridge when my car hydroplaned, this means water came between the tires and the road and the tires lost all traction. The wheel was no longer in control and so when I turned the wheel the car did not follow. Instead, it turned from side to side to side until I found myself driving at a very high speed headfirst into the barrier. I can still taste the bile and the fear when I realized I survived but did not know what had happened to my son, an infant at the time, in the backseat. I could not bring myself to check and find out and screamed out to the first onlooker to find that out for me and let me know if my baby was Ok. It is hard to describe a greater joy than the relief I felt when she told me and then I saw for myself that he had indeed escaped unscathed. Life is inherently fragile and parenting is often terrifying. However, like Miriam in Egypt, we have the choice to look past the possibility of danger and the decrees of our culture to see the infinite value in a single life. As a society, we get to choose which values and vision we elevate and put forward. I hope the stories and insights I have shared in this essay opens your eyes to recognize that being a parent is the greatest blessing on earth.
Inspirational Poems
Achashverosh had a secret stash,
Of working little hands;
Who prepared his food and ballrooms,
For his admiring fans.
This army load of tiny elves,
Yes they did work and run;
First complete the tasks at hand,
Then they have some fun!
In their stunting elfish contests,
Guess who was best of all?
“Elf Chaim Menachem,”
Who is less than 3 feet tall!
He can run a mile; on 2 or 4,
And before you blink an eye,
He’s unloaded shelves in search for gold,
And waved with a shout “bye, bye.”
How is he so talented?
It’s plain and clear you see:
He doubles up in his spare time,
As a banana eating monkey.
Trained to copy you and imitate,
“Monkey see, monkey do,”
And he loves to shares his treasures,
then demand a refund too!
Gibor Shel Ima - This poem was inspired by the Hebrew song גיבור של אמא
Go my precious boy;
Find your path, beloved son.
Arm yourself with courage.
Stride with confidence; run!
Take with you mommy's blessings;
My supplication and my prayer.Spread your wings brave child;
fly high; beyond the open air.
You are unique, you have a purpose;
In my heart's a piece of you.
So go ahead, get out there,
make your dreams come true.
Heed my words, dear sweetheart,
You are my hero and my ninja,
Or as it's said in Lashon HaKodesh,
"Ata haGibor shel Ima"
