Author's Note: In this essay I delve into the message of hope that has sustained me in some of my darkest moments.
After rigorous research into the Midrashic sources I struggled to thread the ideas together. That is until I saw an interview with Adriana Rose(#nowJewishNanny) and Elon Gold (comedian) in which she shared some of her struggles and triumphs with mental health during and after her conversion process.
This is the first in a series of articles focusing on the challenges Yosef Hatzadik had to overcome and the lessons we glean from his example and the implications for our life.
Dear Adriana,
Thank you for your interview in support of this wonderful organization, Amudim. I live in Israel and I have been a client of theirs for about six years or so. They helped me find an excellent psychiatrist through my Kupat Cholim (therefore at no out-of-pocket cost) and the case-worker assigned to me was also an anchor and a valuable resource. In Jerusalem, Amudim took their advocacy to the next level and opened a therapy clinic in partnership with Wurzweiler School of Social Work. I personally have had so many trials and errors searching for a therapist the past four years, that is is with cautious optimism that I met with a new therapist in their clinic, Jerusalem Therapy Center, this past week.
Your choice to share with viewers the mental health challenges you faced during your conversion process is a huge act of bravery and courage. This story highlights how isolating anxiety and similar issues can be. As per your words, part of the anxiety came from the uncertainty of the process - how long it would take and whether you will be accepted by the Beis Din after all your efforts. I can imagine that the last thing you wanted to do was divulge this information to any orthodox Jew for fear it would derail your conversion efforts.
Elon asked you why you wanted to become Jewish in an age of rising anti-semitism; I am curious where you find the strength to go through with it given the emotional challenges you faced. Being vulnerable is not easy and it can be a find line to walk, so I want you to know that your perseverance has made a huge impact on me. Though I was born Jewish, many times I felt like I did not want to carry on. It has not always been easy finding the help that I needed for mental health struggles and when a famous and fashionable social-media influencer advocates for people who need the services that Amudim offers it is really powerful in breaking the stigma.
Another inspiring moment in the interview is when you told Elon how Mode Ani and the Mitzva of Haarat Hatov continues to give you Chizuk to be a happy, healthy and productive Jewish woman. Please do not feel patronized if I return the favor and share some insights related to Chanukah that gave me Chizuk over the years. When doing the research for this article a friend who grew up in the Bais Yaakov system said that she had never heard of many of these ideas so I hope you will find this information new and useful and for it to impact you on a personal level in the way your words of Torah have impacted me.
When I first found out that I was pregnant with my son 17 and a half years ago I was in a very dark place. That is the first time in my life that I began to talk about suicide. The relationship between his father and I was not conducive to my emotional well-being but I had been taught that divorce was a terrible sin and so that did not appear to be an option. Even when I separated, shortly after Pesach, these thoughts did not go away. I faced enormous pressure from family and friends and even from venerated Rabbanim and Jewish leaders to return to a situation that I could not make work for me. I was ashamed for having put myself into this predicament and I was conflicted as to what was the right course of action. All my years of schooling and education did not prepare me or give me a template on what to do when life flips the script.
By the time Shavuos came around I was certain that I was going to be a single Mom and the fear began to overpower me. I was about to enter a Master's program in the field of Speech Language Pathology and did not know how I would support myself financially and emotionally while taking care of this being growing inside me in a world that now seemed to foreign, unforgiving and dark. I was admonished to hide my marital status and not let anyone know that I was separated and contemplating divorce. Embarrasssed, I isolated myself, further spiraling into deep, deep depression. This was when I turned to Megilas Rus and remembered that she too had been a single Mom. Many other aspect of her story and Medrashim from this sefer kept me going and strengthened my resolve. I knew then and there that if the baby would be a girl she would be named Rut in recognition of the connection I felt to this incredible and courageous woman.
As the spring turned into summer I began to reflect on what I would name the baby would I have a boy. My brother had passed away within that year, his first Yartzeit was about six weeks before my son was born. That's right - I have a handsome 17 year old son and his name is Chaim Menachem. He is named after my brother, Menachem Mendel Avrohom, may his memory be a blessing. Hence my son was going to be Menachem Chaim, adding the name Chaim - life - so that he would have a long life, unlike my brother who sadly passed away young, in his early twenties.
The night before his bris I changed the order of the names. I wanted him to be called by both names, this flowed better. It is said that Menachem is one of the names of Moshiach (Eicha Rabbah 1:51; Yerushalmi Berachot 2:4; Ruth Rabbah 1; Sanhedrin 98b) and his name in this order, first Chaim (life) and then Menachem, reflects a Medrash I had once heard about Moshiach ben Yosef that carried me through the "three weeks" (of mourning the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash. I continued to reflect on this message the subsequent seven weeks when we read the שבעה ד'נחמתא (seven weeks that we read each Shabbat a prophecy of comfort/Moshiach) and through the fall until he was born shortly after Succot. Here I am sharing this story about all these other Chagim so you might wonder what this has to do with Chanukah. Allow me to detour a bit and tell you about a song, a prophesy and a Medrash from Bereishis Rabba regarding the reunion between Yosef and Binyomin and then eventually I will connect it all back to the Medrash about Moshaich ben Yosef and how this personifies what my son's name means to me and guides me to this day.
The song I that connects all this disparate points is obscure. Most people I know have never heard of it and I could not find the musical notation of even a recording of it anywhere on the internet. I learned first heard this song in England when I went to study there. Ironically, I was the same age then that my son is right now. The lyrics and the melody touched me so deeply that I felt compelled to study the meaning and search for the biblical source of these words.
רני ושמחי בת ציון כי הנני בא, ושכנתי בתוכך נאום ה
ונחל ה את יהודה חלקה על אדמת הקודש
ובחר עוד בירושלים, רני ושמחי בת ציון
זכריה פרק ב פסוק יד & טז (לא כולל יז)
I was excited to discover that the words are from the Haftorah of Chanuka because my Navi teacher the previous year (11th Grade) had instilled in me a life-long appreciation for Haftorah. Instead of the traditional Navi curriculum of systematically going through a specific sefer chaper by chapter, she would teach us each week the Haftorah for the upcoming Shabbos. Her lessons were so captivating to me because she was well-versed in the material and she demonstrated respect for us as students and as mature young women - each with a mind of our own. In addition to Navi, she taught us משלי (proverbs). Though I had many wonderful teachers of whom I think of fondly until today, in some respects she was the first teacher to give me the building blocks for how to think for myself.
Origins of haftarah reading: ancient and pre-Mishnah; commonly linked to persecution-era adaptations and to affirming the Prophets publicly.
words. haftara of chanuka. why these perakim in zecharia were chosen for chanukah
11th grade navi class
the source of the haftara minhag
the background who was zechariah hanavi
the message of these pesukim of a permanent beis hamikdash
the contrast and connection to yosef and binyomin
the connection to moshiach ben yosef - live in your hearts
something to aspire to something to yearn for, know that there will be a perfect world eventually
(see if i can slip in tomas sowels constrained vision)
add about judith grunfeld - the chizuk it gave her that her fathers torah was living on. Quote Yehoshuah goldglanz that we are not here to preserve ashes but ...a fire. Yehoshuah Goldglanz
Hey, Yehoshua from the video here 
In terms of Isiah 53: it's seemingly taken out of context, evidenced by Isiah 41:8 and Isiah 49:3, where it refers to Israel as a servant. You are My servant, O Israel” (41:8)
“You are My servant, Israel” (49:3)
In terms of christ "rising on the 3rd day." There is a blatant mistranslation of the verse. In hosea 6:2, the source paul used to make his claim in Corinthians, it translates to "after two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence." This source paul used clearly lacks a definitive correlation with christ and is seemingly discussing the people of Israel.
In terms of christ dying for our sins: ezekiel (18:20 and 18:21) makes it very clear that no such concept is present in the Bible. "The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father, neither shall the father bear the iniquity of the son: the righteousness of the righteous shall be upon him, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon him (18:20). But if a wicked person turns away from all his sins that he has committed and keeps all my statutes and does what is just and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die.
(18:21)
All his transgressions that he hath committed, they shall not be mentioned unto him: in his righteousness that he hath done he shall live." (18:22)
Additionally, in the times of the temple, we only ever gave a sacrifice for accidental sins (levitucus 4:2) and in cases where our transgressions were not discovered. However, in terms of deliberate sins, there were tangible punishments. Take exodus 22:6 (22.7 in the Christian bible)
for example: "If a man shall deliver unto his neighbour money or stuff to keep, and it be stolen out of the man's house; if the thief be found, let him pay double."
Furthering the point that atonement is incumbent upon us... not anyone else.
Furthermore, King Solomon made it rather obvious that atonement can absolutely take place without the sacrificial system (meaning, we atone for our own sins) in kings 8:46-50. "When they sin against you—for there is no one who does not sin—and you become angry with them and give them over to their enemies, who take them captive to their own lands, far away or near; 47 and if they have a change of heart in the land where they are held captive, and repent and plead with you in the land of their captors and say, ‘We have sinned, we have done wrong, we have acted wickedly’; 48 and if they turn back to you with all their heart and soul in the land of their enemies who took them captive, and pray to you toward the land you gave their ancestors, toward the city you have chosen and the temple I have built for your Name; 49 then from heaven, your dwelling place, hear their prayer and their plea, and uphold their cause. 50 And forgive your people, who have sinned against you; forgive all the offenses they have committed against you, and cause their captors to show them mercy."
Just some points that I felt would enhance the general conversation. Nevertheless, a fruitful conversation indeed.
add about the missionaries slander against our great sages
